I spread some of your ashes, only the second time I've done it. This time I had the guts to touch them... well, I had no choice, really. The wind was whipping around me and I was on the cliffs near an ocean in the wildest lands I've ever walked. It was near the 5000 year old ruins of Skara Brae. I had to move fast, so many people around. I unceremoniously/ceremoniously reached into the bag and palmed a handful of you, and faster than I could exhale...poof. You went.
You asked that they be spread in places I felt were beautiful. This time, your ashes covered me. My lips, my jacket, and my hair were coated in snowflakes of you. I looked into the grey sky and hoped you'd be happy there in such a wild place. Now that I look back on it, that place was so much of you. Wild, untamed, beautiful, mysterious and sacred.
My view and the sky where I set some of your ashes free.
The boat was in my dreams last night. Such a strange, confusing and painful dream. The boat was missing, lost, taken... and I was searching for it. I felt like failure. When I woke I was in a panic. I nearly ran downstairs to call Rocko. I'm so sorry this is going to so much crap, Dad. It isn't supposed to be like this! As I lay there I heard my own voice in my head talking you. I told you "I can't do this Dad, I need help. Please help me."
I slept again, and this time the dream was my mother and I searching for the boat. A call from behind me, my mom, she says she's found it. When I reach her she's looking up and smiling, saying "there she is!" I look up and the boat is resting, nested, 1/3 inside and on top of the roof of a house. I call out to the boat: "Hello old lady! There you are! How did you get up there huh?" and I am relieved and happy to see her. I see she's slightly damaged on her hull and the bare spines are showing but I know this can be fixed. Never mind how she got up there, I'm just glad she's safe. The boat is you, Dad. I think in ways she's your living self.
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