Things, and dreaming about you..

Hi Dad, it's been a while. I've been thinking about you a lot in the last few days. The days that used to go by achingly slow are blending into weeks that pass into months and I get past the markers without noticing as much. Like, the 4 month mark since you passed... passed? No, died. Since you died.

I drempt of you. I don't remember the date exactly but it was weeks ago. We were on the boat and you were preparing it for storage and I stopped you to tell you I loved you and I asked you to please hug me. As you did, I told you I would be okay. I promised I'd be okay. You didn't speak. We were both crying.
My god how I miss you, my daddy.

There are times when I think of you and it doesn't really hurt as much. There are times when I think of you and it still hurts the same. Today I was thinking about the day they called to tell me you'd died. I took the news as if I was okay with it, and I realize now that in part, I hadn't cried in order to save the feelings of the poor nurse that had to call and tell me. Why don't they have grief counsellors call you? Why just some random person that we likely have never met? And I feel so bad for the poor man that had to deliver that news. I wondered if he knew I was your daughter. If he said 'well I better call his next of kin, who's listed? Oh, it's his daughter.. okay, calling now.." I bet that's the worst part of his day. He told me he was sorry for my loss. I really could have cared less at the time, I mean, does that make a difference? It's just something he has to say.
I thought about the feelings I had after he told me. At the time, I had felt completely numb. It was like no other feeling I had ever had. Actually, it wasn't even feeling at all.
It was shock, amazement that it was so final. It was like being flung into a gray sky with no ground in sight, no sound, and I was just moving in an unknown direction - I could have been going up or down or east for all I knew. If I close my eyes I can feel it very easily. I can imagine myself moving so silently, in slow motion, wrapping my arms around myself fearful at first but then coming to realize that I'll be suspended like this for a while, and so I wrap myself up and just 'fall', willing to let the emptiness carry me along until the time comes to find my way back, however I'm meant to do that.
And I've kept 'falling' up into that gray sky, endlessly, for months. Only sometimes touching down to connect with reality, but then back out into emptiness again, hoping to reach you or come down and land permanently, something, anything.
Some days I cry from missing you, and that's pretty hard. But hardest, is crying knowing that such a wonderful, amazing and loving person had to hurt for so long and then came to an end that was so final and unfair. It just feels so unjust. And I cry from anger of how unjust it really is. And what makes it worse is it happens to so many people. That right now somewhere someone's daughter is crying over a parent that died in pain. It is just so wrong.

And right now, someone's daughter -is- crying over losing her daddy to cancer.