Reflection..

It's been a while since I've written. I just needed to internalize before I shared.

Just now I was brave enough to bring your ashes down from the shelf and set them next to me. It isn't a huge box but it's actually really heavy. I guess it should be.

It's a step closer to being able to spread your ashes. I haven't been able to come to terms with doing that yet. I opened the box and the gold metal tab has your name on it, and the clear bag is filled with grey sand... well it's not sand.. it's ash. It's like that volcanic ash they sell in Washington, they claim it's the ash from when St. Helens erupted... you can buy it in little vials.
So yes, it's ash.

I'm relieved you wanted to be cremated. I couldn't bare burying you... you just aren't the type to lay in a box in the ground. Plus, I get to have you with me in some form, and though I need to let go of your 'body' because you have, it's easier to work out these feelings slowly and gently let you go.
Right now I just hurt. I love you, Dad.
I would give anything to have you back with me, and although I hurt and I cry, I'm starting to accept that you won't ever come back.
I'm trying to process through the memories and the feelings of missing you. The two are so closely tied right now that it's hard to remember you. But the memories come on their own.
Right now I'm thinking of that last huge hug I got from you, the summer before you were diagnosed. You were elated to see me.. we were on the drive back from the train station, and we stopped in a grocery store to get some snacks and use the washroom and as we waited for Julie to come out you wanted a hug. That hug was so hard, I don't know if you've hugged me that hard ever before. You always had such strength in your body, it amazed me to watch you work because you were all muscle even after age 50.. and that hug sure used every one. I wish I had hugged you back as hard as you hugged me.

I won't ever forget just how loved I was by my Daddy. You loved me with everything you had, and I know it. I know how proud I made you, and I saw you as my Father, a parent, someone I could count on for anything, ever... and I love you so much for being that for me. I love you for being the parent I could cry for in my hardest times, I love you for being the example I follow, I love you for being there for me, I love you for being you.

I'm so lucky you were my Dad.