About Dad..

I watched something on YouTube today Dad, and it reminded me of you. I wasn't looking for anything specific other than entertainment, perhaps distraction from my busy mind. And when Ivan reached the part about 'what my dad taught me' I started thinking about you, and the things you taught me, and how I live every day of my life using at least one of the skills, or thinking at least one of the thoughts, or acting on one of the lessons you've left me:

When you're done with a plastic shopping bag, you never throw it out - you roll it in a long cylinder and then tie it in a loose knot. Why? It's smaller, you can keep more, and it's tidy - because pretty soon that's going to make a useful trash bag. And keep some in your glovebox, because you can hang them in your truck and keep the floor free of debris, you never want a bottle to roll under your gas pedal.

Wash off your dish in cold water as soon as you're done with it. The soap does the cleaning for you, and then dry it with a bit of paper towel and put it away. Why? You'll need less water, less soap, and less dishes if they're always clean.

Never overstay your welcome. Say please, say thank you. Hold the door for a lady. Respect your elders. Take your time and wait in line. Look both ways when you cross the street.

Your fried rice recipe.

The term "build a spaghetti". It wasn't about making food it was about creating a masterpeice that took time and thought, and was worth the effort.

Save your leftovers and mix them together. Try it, trust me, it will taste good.

Keep things you find that might be useful, even if they're not useful to you - someone else might need it. Keep your eyes open and pay attention. See? Look what I just found - a dollar. That's because I was looking.

Ravens will wait until you're not paying attention, and swoop down to steal your sandwhich. Seagulls won't wait, they'll take it out of your hand. Either way, watch your lunch - and moreso, watch the birds.

Barter.

Carry cash when you want to get things done. When you want to convince someone of something in a business sense, pull out your cash and count it. Cash talks.

Tie good knots, always.

Respect trees. Touch them. They're alive and they know more about the earth than we ever will.

Oatmeal is a really good thing to have for dinner. Pizza is even better. Jellybeans are the best.

Eagles are the earths manifestation of the great spirits that have come before us.

An airplane is a big silver bird. A bus is a big silver boat. A boat is a woman. A woman is a gift.

Big fat earthworms are the "Grand Daddies".

When the it's raining but the sun is still shining that's called a Sunshower, and Sunshowers are special.

Keep quiet and listen. It'll hide what you do know, and help you learn what you don't.

"If you don't like something, change it."

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you can get what you need."

Find joy in the little things, one day they'll be all you have.



I love you, Dad. I miss you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSfQKw7DGzA&feature=related

Time does not bring relief...

Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied

Who told me time would ease me of my pain!

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;

I want him at the shrinking of the tide;

The old snows melt from every mountain-side,

And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;

But last year's bitter loving must remain

Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.

There are a hundred places where I fear

To go - so with his memory they brim.

And entering with relief some quiet place

Where never fell his foot or shone his face

I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'

And so stand stricken, so remembering him.


~Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)




Security


Tomorrow will have an island. Before night

I always find it. Then on to the next island.

These places hidden in the day separate

and come forward if you beckon.

But you have to know they are there before they exist.



Some time there will be a tomorrow without any island.

So far, I haven't let that happen, but after

I'm gone others may become faithless and careless.

Before them will tumble the wide unbroken sea,

and without any hope they will stare at the horizon.



So to you, Friend, I confide my secret:

to be a discoverer you hold close whatever

you find, and after a while you decide

what it is. Then, secure in where you have been,

you turn to the open sea and let go.

~William Stafford

Reflection..

It's been a while since I've written. I just needed to internalize before I shared.

Just now I was brave enough to bring your ashes down from the shelf and set them next to me. It isn't a huge box but it's actually really heavy. I guess it should be.

It's a step closer to being able to spread your ashes. I haven't been able to come to terms with doing that yet. I opened the box and the gold metal tab has your name on it, and the clear bag is filled with grey sand... well it's not sand.. it's ash. It's like that volcanic ash they sell in Washington, they claim it's the ash from when St. Helens erupted... you can buy it in little vials.
So yes, it's ash.

I'm relieved you wanted to be cremated. I couldn't bare burying you... you just aren't the type to lay in a box in the ground. Plus, I get to have you with me in some form, and though I need to let go of your 'body' because you have, it's easier to work out these feelings slowly and gently let you go.
Right now I just hurt. I love you, Dad.
I would give anything to have you back with me, and although I hurt and I cry, I'm starting to accept that you won't ever come back.
I'm trying to process through the memories and the feelings of missing you. The two are so closely tied right now that it's hard to remember you. But the memories come on their own.
Right now I'm thinking of that last huge hug I got from you, the summer before you were diagnosed. You were elated to see me.. we were on the drive back from the train station, and we stopped in a grocery store to get some snacks and use the washroom and as we waited for Julie to come out you wanted a hug. That hug was so hard, I don't know if you've hugged me that hard ever before. You always had such strength in your body, it amazed me to watch you work because you were all muscle even after age 50.. and that hug sure used every one. I wish I had hugged you back as hard as you hugged me.

I won't ever forget just how loved I was by my Daddy. You loved me with everything you had, and I know it. I know how proud I made you, and I saw you as my Father, a parent, someone I could count on for anything, ever... and I love you so much for being that for me. I love you for being the parent I could cry for in my hardest times, I love you for being the example I follow, I love you for being there for me, I love you for being you.

I'm so lucky you were my Dad.