I pause to think about you at times, Dad. I am feeling overwhelmed. Moments are so good, and some so hard. I'm hanging on and trying not to fail you. I got some great news about the value of the boat and I thought to myself "wow, there's a really happy ending here.." and then the news turns out to be wrong, and I think.."wow.. another dissapointment." and Julie is no support really, she barely listens to me. I said something so defeated today and she nodded, her face turned to the TV and said "Yep.. yep.." like I'd made a statement of "Oh well what can you do.." and what I had actually said was I was used to dissapointment. I'm sorry Dad, I was dissapointed in you. The sale of the boat will cover your debt but what's left won't be the grand amount I thought. I was greedy, I'm sorry. It isn't about the money. God dammit I miss you so much and I hate all of this. I just want it to be over. I just want to not worry about all of the little things.
Great.. I started crying just now and I look up and Julie's standing there staring at me like a toddler who doesn't understand. I don't even want to reach out to her, Dad. I miss you so much and nothing is going to comfort this pain. Not money, not her, nothing. Some days I feel like I am completely alone. Nobody can feel the pain I feel. The pain sepperates me from everyone.
I still have so much to do, and it's piling on me and I truly feel like I am avoiding the grief. I can't hear your voice in my head anymore.. it's getting harder to recall. I'm feeling bitter and angry again.
I miss you and you died. You fucking died. And every time I am reminded of that it's like you die all over again.
I want my Daddy. Oh my god I want my Daddy.
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