To the 'Late' Leo Picard..

The other day I checked the mail and in it, a goverment letter adressed to "the the estate of the late Leo Picard." How rediculous is that? You're really dead when the government calls you "the late". What is "the late" anyway? I mean, when we're alive we don't adress letters to "the current".. why? Why add the term? Is it to make sure I know you're dead?

I had a dream that you left me a note saying that you heard I was crying and that you wanted to call but you were afraid to upset me more. And I got mad at everyone because you were alive and able to leave me a note and everyone had lied to me and now you wouldn't call.

Things are hard right now Dad. I'm being forced to overcome alot and I'm not being given any clear options. Every day the weight is the same. I want to think "what would dad do.." but you'd probably procrastinate it. I know that's harsh but it's the truth. I don't know what you'd say....

The light from the monitor on my hands makes them look aged. I can see every triangle of lines. Your hands were like that, rough from years of hard physical work. You put your hand on my face when we arrived at the hospital and it was like sandpaper. Sandpaper from years of life on a face with only half as many years. You earned your lines and I'll earn mine. What you'd say... you'd say "you just gotta do what's right."

Trying to get through..

I pause to think about you at times, Dad. I am feeling overwhelmed. Moments are so good, and some so hard. I'm hanging on and trying not to fail you. I got some great news about the value of the boat and I thought to myself "wow, there's a really happy ending here.." and then the news turns out to be wrong, and I think.."wow.. another dissapointment." and Julie is no support really, she barely listens to me. I said something so defeated today and she nodded, her face turned to the TV and said "Yep.. yep.." like I'd made a statement of "Oh well what can you do.." and what I had actually said was I was used to dissapointment. I'm sorry Dad, I was dissapointed in you. The sale of the boat will cover your debt but what's left won't be the grand amount I thought. I was greedy, I'm sorry. It isn't about the money. God dammit I miss you so much and I hate all of this. I just want it to be over. I just want to not worry about all of the little things.

Great.. I started crying just now and I look up and Julie's standing there staring at me like a toddler who doesn't understand. I don't even want to reach out to her, Dad. I miss you so much and nothing is going to comfort this pain. Not money, not her, nothing. Some days I feel like I am completely alone. Nobody can feel the pain I feel. The pain sepperates me from everyone.
I still have so much to do, and it's piling on me and I truly feel like I am avoiding the grief. I can't hear your voice in my head anymore.. it's getting harder to recall. I'm feeling bitter and angry again.

I miss you and you died. You fucking died. And every time I am reminded of that it's like you die all over again.

I want my Daddy. Oh my god I want my Daddy.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Your birthday today. You would be 61.
You never liked it when I made a fuss about your birthday in life. I used to hate that. For the first time ever, I'm actually happy to let it pass without a fuss.

I miss you Dad, things aren't quite the same without you.