14 Days..

Put a candle in the window, but I feel I've got to move.


Though I'm going, going, I'll be coming home soon,

'Long as I can see the light.



Pack my bag and let's get movin', 'cause I'm bound to drift a while.

Well I'm gone, gone, you don't have to worry no,

'Long as I can see the light.



Guess I've got that old trav'lin' bone,

'cause this feelin' won't leave me alone.

But I won't, won't be losin' my way, no, no

'Long as I can see the light.



Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, Yeah!



Put a candle in the window, 'cause I feel I've got to move.

Though I'm going, going, I'll be coming home soon,

Long as I can see the light.

Long as I can see the light.

Long as I can see the light.

Long as I can see the light.

Long as I can see the light.




It's been 14 days since you died.
I keep thinking about the day they called to tell me you had gone. The man's voice, I could tell from his tone what he was going to say. "I'm calling to inform you that Leo has passed."
I went numb.
You died.

I have this incredible, deep, eating of my chest, feeling of loneliness right now. I am with people and I feel alone. All I can think about is the fact that you are gone. Not one more hug ever from you, never ever, never more. Not another call on the phone. I can still remember your voice. I miss you so much dad. I am so angry that you died. I can't believe cancer ate you alive and took you away from me.
I don't know these feelings, they are so unfamilliar to me. I'm lashing out at people and I don't mean to. I guess you can call it bitterness. I know you don't want me to be angry or to hurt but I do and I'm sorry that I do. I am so helpless against my grief.

I have your ashes.
I look at the box and I know your body is inside. What you left behind. I touch the box, and I touch you. Your wallet sits atop it, I pick it up and smell it, and it smells like you. I know that scent so well. I feel like I am clinging to a few tiny dustlike embers of your entire life on earth. 60 years of you in one red cedar box.
Oh god how I hurt.

I'm playing back the last two weeks in my mind. Some days it feels like an hour. Some days it feels like a year. The calls, the paperwork, telling people that knew you "sort of well" that you had passed. Delivering news and watching thier faces fall, watching them stumble for something to say. Or worse, seeing them hurt that you were gone, because, they loved you. Being the one to handle all of it. Holding the certificate of your death in my hand. A piece of paper can sum up your whole life? Finding your boat broken into. Sitting on your bed amongst a mess of torn wood and scattered items with your pillow in my hands and just crying from helplessness. Wanting to be anywhere but there. Moving your boat to it's new home... knowing you are not on it, not in it, not breathing life into it. Feeling it's ropes, touching the bow with my full open hand, feeling it breathe because of you... missing you. Finding papers confirming "paternity". Holding the certificate of your batism in my hand. Finally knowing my Grandfather's full name. Holding the deed to the boat. Calling it "my" boat. Knowing it will never, ever, ever be mine. Sleeping at night and waking, expecting to see you standing in my room. Avoiding being alone because I don't want the hurt to seep in. Closing your post box account. Picking up your will. Holding your urn, empty... holding it, full. Feeling the weight of your ashes inside it. Losing you.

I miss you dad. I miss you. I..miss.. you.