The Knowing

There is a security in the knowing. When you know it's coming. There is fear in the knowing. But fear seems smaller, grief is smaller, pain is less...in knowing.
I knew this was coming.
Just now as I cried, it wasnt tears of a helpless daughter. It wasn't tears of sadness, even. It was, and I nearly can't admit: relief.
I know now that your pain will end. And with it, mine. I know now that you will have the knowing. You will get to know God.. or heaven, or, just peace.
In the last days, if that's in fact what we have left... in the last days, hours, I am quiet inside. All of the anger, the terror, the rage... seems to have faded. I feel soft. I feel as if I am laying in a quiet blue ocean watching the surface far above me, as it lists and flows... and I'm safe here. There is no fear in acceptance, and there is acceptance in knowing.
My heart will have you forever my daddy. I am yours. You will be mine. I swear I will do everything I can to become all you ever would have wanted for me, even if all you have wanted was for me to be happy. I will be happy dad, I promise. I love you.