You passed away today.

Earth became sky.

I love you.


Leo Joseph Frederick Picard
1949 - 2010

Freedom

I came home from our visit and it felt like I shut down. I refused process. I didn't even call to check on you. I don't know why.

You slipped into a coma this morning and are finally about to earn your wings.

I love you, Dad.

What is left/Let it be

Today, I am overwhelmed.

You're leaving me the boat and 40+ feet of confusion. No buyer, many complications.
You're so weak... so thin... so sick. I can't even touch you, you won't let me. I want to gather you in my arms and rock you, just comfort you. But you won't let me.
I am hurting in ways I have never hurt. I have no words.

I'm noticing tattoos on you that I think I've seen a million times.. but they're not familliar to me. Your sickness is unfamilliar. I want you to be able to just rest, but there seems to be so much to do now. It's like everything was left to the last minute. It was. And now you're barely able to cope, to manage, and you won't let go until you do.

I'm having short chats about very crucial things with near strangers. I feel like this is a nightmare I can't wake up from. My god how many nightmares have I had that involved the boat? And now I am living one. I've lost you in my dreams so many times. It hurt then too.

I have to leave and let you "die with dignity". I have to. I have to do the final accepting, and let you free to finish what started nearly 6 months ago. My god how the time flew. You pushed and pushed me. And now, now that we face the end, you're yelling at me for not writing a number down. You're so confused.. you seem so lost, I am so lost too. I love you dad, so very very much. I'll do anything you need me to do. I can get through this, even though I just want to run and hide and pretend none of it is happening.

One. Step. At. A. Time.


Let it be...

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,


speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.



Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.



And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.



Let it be, let it be, .....



And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,

shine until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.



Let it be, let it be, .....

Reading

Just sitting in the hotel reading about Pancreatic cancer... I really feel like I am learning nothing. There seems to be so much information but none of it makes sense. I wish I could look inside you myself and see how bad it is. Well, no.. I don't. But I want answers. I can't even ask you, you get angry talking about it. But yes, you fit all the symptoms of advanced cancer. The jaundice, the pain, the weight loss, the muscle loss. I don't think its quite time, yet.. but it's soon. Nobody can know.
Rhonda made it sound like it was now... she may know better then I do. I think when its time, it will be time. I was so scared to come here and see you, but even though you look sick, I dont see cancer. I see my dad. You're the same dad you've always been. Your eyes may be yellow but they are clear. You may be skin and bones but your spirit is just as strong.
Its nearly hard to believe you're sick. If you didnt have the appearance you did I dont think anyone would know. I know it can be anytime now.. I guess it's just a matter of when. I wont think about when anymore, the time doesnt even matter. It will happen when it does.

I will never forget the moment, the feeling, when you touched my cheek with your caloused hand, looked into my eyes and told me "I love you." Nothing matters but that moment. That's our moment, dad.

The Knowing

There is a security in the knowing. When you know it's coming. There is fear in the knowing. But fear seems smaller, grief is smaller, pain is less...in knowing.
I knew this was coming.
Just now as I cried, it wasnt tears of a helpless daughter. It wasn't tears of sadness, even. It was, and I nearly can't admit: relief.
I know now that your pain will end. And with it, mine. I know now that you will have the knowing. You will get to know God.. or heaven, or, just peace.
In the last days, if that's in fact what we have left... in the last days, hours, I am quiet inside. All of the anger, the terror, the rage... seems to have faded. I feel soft. I feel as if I am laying in a quiet blue ocean watching the surface far above me, as it lists and flows... and I'm safe here. There is no fear in acceptance, and there is acceptance in knowing.
My heart will have you forever my daddy. I am yours. You will be mine. I swear I will do everything I can to become all you ever would have wanted for me, even if all you have wanted was for me to be happy. I will be happy dad, I promise. I love you.

The call...

Rhonda just called to warn me that you're in the hospital, and although you are still planning that "trip", she says you will likely not make it. I don't know her well enough to know if she overreacts, but I will take her word for it, and come. She says come now while you're lucid. Later won't matter. I accept this.
I can't remember anyone's phone numbers.... not even Mom's. My head aches and I feel like I am laying at the bottom of the ocean.
I think this was what I was waiting for. Am I ready? I am.
Ok dad...ok. I'm here, when you're ready. Ok.