Dad...

The injury of years...

There is no place I can walk


That you will not be.

No hall

No sidewalk

No path

That will not hold your memory.



I am haunted in knowing

That one day soon,

Every inch of every mile of this earth

Will be your face

Will be your voice

And yet I am terrified to ignore it.



I can only fear the pain

And cling to the daggers

Because although they will cut me

They will be you

Your face, your voice

And I will need everything you leave me.
 
(Sarah 2009)
 
 
I had nearly two days of numb. And something small.. I can't recall what, has ripped passed my numb exterior and torn at my healing heart. I am bleeding again. Will I bleed until he is gone? And then, when the day comes, and the next and the next, will I still bleed? Yes, I am terrified of it, yes, I will. I will scream, I can see it my minds eye and my life will virtually end, my knees on pavement, I will pray to god to make me numb again, and someone will have to collect me from the leaves and place me somewhere safe, while I am broken.
I had a thought today: "Father's Day". That day will be agony for the rest of my life. His day. HIS DAY. And I cannot hug him or tell him I love him, or give him a card. Nothing sentimental will matter!!!
I will be alone and fatherless while children write backwards on blue paper. I will fall apart while families buy ties and hammers. I will curl and hide while the fathers of the world are hugged!!
And my arms will stay empty without him. Oh daddy, I love you, please please please give me one more of those materialistic holidays.... no tie, no cake, no fake card. Just my arms clinging to you one last time.